Simply the Best (of All Mutants)

Do They Know It's Christmas Time At All?

WTF? Christmas have to be the time of calm contemplation in front of a television and eating.

But because of the despotism of the organisers of O-activities His Majesty had to run and drink.

Here is a short summary of the Christmas festivities.

Saturday morning: Heroes of Mice & Magic 

The 6th stage of PWL was set up around Yizhaak, Yizhaak - the city of shattered dreams with a competition centre near the Guestcook Dam. His Majesty competed in the "B" class which was not so good for point gatherers but it was good enough for a player of "Magic: The Gathering" as there was lying some playing cards just behind the first control. Then came the first fault.

What a shame because it was an easy thing for every movie fan. See FilmovaMista.cz.

Then came the horses and I became faint. "My Kingdom for a horse!" but noone replied so I had to finish the race on my own. And then came another fault. I think You know the old orienteering proverb: "With honesty You run the longest route."

From that point it was a classic Prague routine: fall on poisonous plants, homeless homes, spines and mud. And are You still waiting for the above mentinoned mice? Then visit the facebook account of Mr Azak who gathered up the last control together with a mouse treasure guard.

Saturday afternoon and evening: Up and Down

The Christmas wander with the Royal family was up and down from Badbreeding to Girl Castles, Ant hill, Ploughshare, Peacock hill and finally to Nagano 98.

Then the "Kotlářka" soiree down in Souterrain. His Majesty took his time with his head down on the table then he woke up and went on. On the way to the disco we exchanged a cup for pot and we got high. And then finally we went down to the Heaven.

Sunday morning: I did not attend

Sunday evening: Three strikes are enough

Praga Magica - Prague Towers - Prague Evening Paper: what they have in common?
It is every time the same insanity. Better eating carps and buying gifts. But please do not study my route-choices because it is crap.

Hayrakes Plant River Slopes

Sunday PWL race was one of the breathtaking moments in the history of orienteering as the map was created by a groundbreaking technology in map-making.

It was very interesting race. Unfortunately the shadows doesn't lie and the promised elevation of 670 metres was also true. For example look at the control 24.

 The dark side of the map was not so veget. So the gray-brown map was much more useful.

After finish I changed my clothes and had about ten minutes until the departure of our train home. But when the competiton centre is in a beer garden of a railway-station restaurant it is a call of duty to have at least one beer. So one big quick medium billy-goat fixed it.

Return to the Royal Town of Nimburg

It is just about half a year since Our last inspection mission to Nimburg and also to the garden of Saint Hildegard. Hopefully all nettles disappeared since then. Todays race was significant by the lack of contour lines.

The most brutal climb of the race

My mental power was strong this time as I was chasing Bruin runners who started before me. Yet another exclusive preformance by His Majesty who turned the race to his own image.

My personalized route

Brokeback Slope

The third stage of The Prague Winter League 53*38 took place among the cowboys of the Brokeback Slope in the Wild West. I appreciate this event very much because it raised incomes in our family saloon.

What a lovely and warm name

"Treat others the same way you want them to treat you." (Luke 6:31). It is True but bussines is bussines. And the Holy Bible does not say anything about (not) serving G-mud to friends.

Back to the sport. I also attended the race and visited every checkpoint in the forest including the lookout-tower. The first half of the race I was pursuing Sparrow ahead of my palm. Then the second half I was trying to catch the pigeons flying out of my nose.

The Devil's Comb

Sergei Stokurev Race

100-control race took place yesterday. But my disappointing performance kick me down to the second league so I had to find only 76 checkpoints. A brief story from my run is described below.

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Finsh - end

Go home

I Don't Go On-Gala

His Majesty.cz to ČSOS is like The Slaughter to The Czech Nightingale...

... so I am spending Saturday evening at my castle by weeping.

But do not worry, there are some independent associations which could appreciate my greatness.

Three Flews Over Discoo's Nest

The Prague Winter League 38*53 has started this weekend by its first stage: "The Flew Over Three Ravines". The competition center was situated at the chocolate reservoir of the central Bohemian hamlet of Nice Piss - next destination for the network of Prague underground. The map named Chocolate Star II was a little bit enhanced map for MTBO. But the main elements were as usual: green forests and yellow meadows. Look below.

Map of the race with my Web-click-tool track

And what about my performance? Seriously nothing to talk about. I have been disqualified because of the false start according to the starting photo.

Ultimate evidence of my misconduct

Finally I have been banned from all orienteering events untill the end of November. So it is time to rest a little bit...

See You in December.

Spartan Race - Just Surrender It!

The preparation for todays Spartan race was not very proper as I visited the high school reunion party after 8 years and so I came back home at three o'clock in the morning. Due to this abundance of hangover power my performance finally led to a total defeat and surrender in the Settlement of Vixen...

The day started famously in the morning as I went by the public love wagon full of passion and Mexican rapers.

 

All started at Sparta Arena and the adventure includes everything.

Mud

Home of the 99 Praga workers

Tricky obstacles

And of course breathtaking panoramas...

Sharkanight

As the regular season is over His Majesty is going from one race to another. This time the event was held at night in the Wild Sharkan Valley and it was organised by strong women and beautiful men.

There were two promising premises that I could finish the race: equipment by Lidl Stiftung and domestic race area. And that premises had fulfilled, what a moral boost!

But surprisingly it seems that there have grown some new rocks in the forest since my last visit.

Maybe I could wrap my map next time.

Lack of Mental Towers

Abundance of Prague Powers

"The only good tourist is a dead tourist."

Fictive Runner

3rd Prague Towers

around 2013 A.D.

German tourism, Italian tourism, Spanish tourism - racing torturism.

Exchange of the Castle Guards - nothing to regard.

One hundred fourty-two mintues - that's all, ende schluss.

Trust me. I am not a scientist: Golden Eppendorf

On Wednesday I attended a night race in the Necky forest. The competiton was organised only for researchers but as once I am the Majesty I can go everywhere. Below you can see the map of the race with my routechoice. Please take on your headlight and turn it on to see the map properly.

Merry Bikers Without Bikes

Satruday: sprint training in West Givemore only for invited V.I.P.

Sunday: His Majesty was organizing the middle distance race in Invitemoreville. The center of the competition was very friendly.

Children, where ends every race?

Every race ends in a pub.

Monday: Sprint competition in Taketon.

Poor effort by His Majesty who finished just behind Washing Machine (same as at the Where? race one week before). I did not make any big mistake but my pace was slow as You can see on my O-track below.

But that was only a prolog for much more challenging afternoon stage of Tour de Glass in the local brewery. I am curious what species of bear do they have in Bearoun as it was only the end of October and the service in the Bear Brewery seemed put deeply into hibernation. Despite that bad conditions His Majesty had fought bravely.

Final causalities on the side of the Bear Army: one glass biker, two golden horses, one gaylord sponsored by Pine and finally three plastic bikers who persecuted us in our train.

How (Not) To Beat "League 100"

Many years ago my goal was to go under one hundred in Ranking. Nowadays I am a little bit more modest and I wish to finish any classic distance race under one hundred minutes. And my dream have come true last Sunday - really amazing effort in the race by Where? at Convince Your Granny. The race was from average to stupid (controls from 6 to 9) but the main topic was that I went under six thousands seconds!

My watches - it seems it is there...

However then came the moment of Truth - SI read. And I got fucked!

...but it is not. The results.

Hey dude, where the fuck that one minute did appear?! Holy crown....

Moose Porn? Thanks, Not!

If You are a fan of sex with ungulate animals You have two main options:
1) visit webpage mylittleponny.horseporn.org.
2) attend a race held by Lame Orienteering Suckers.

 

After the September counterstrike of Captain Contour at Shark Ass Valley there was another pearl awaiting on Saturday. The former military area was a scenery for a thriller reported as the "Green Terror in Upper Withoutthanksville". This epithet does not report to the forgotten relicts of Peoples Army but to the abundant vegetation. And what about my performance: it was really impressive effort and I also had to mobilize all of my mental power to spent 78 minutes on middle distance.

39th Carp Would Deserve Kickthrough

Sir Hendy we all will miss you but we will never forget!

XXXIX. WOG - Are You In?!

Twelve hours, 720 minutes, 43 200 seconds left. See You in carptrain.

After Hundred Years In A Quarantine And At A Football Game

The preparation for Waterville Carp is going on so I have not much time to write about some not-top races which I attended last weekend. So here is a short report.

Saturday 10/05/13: Sprint race at Jirovec Square. And it was very prestigious race as His Majesty was kept in a quarantine. The time of the day was 20:42.

20:42

My routechoice at the sprint at Jirovec Square

Sunday 10/06/13: Classic distance at Sugartop. The competition center was in Claymore. The highlight of the day was the match of Junior Carp League between Claymore and Lower Shoreville. The final result was 5:7 as the home team scored once from penalty and twice from free-kick (so they have to visit Waterville to gain more ammunition for their next play).... And my race. I became dead after 4th control but then I got enlighted at 8th control and scored the best routechoice of October.

Junior Carp League match of Claymore against Lower Shoreville

The routechoice of the month at Sugartop

Die Lustige Tabellen aus Sudetenland

Die Zwitterhütte

 

 Das Geheimnis des doppeltes Finger

   Das Zweite Gebot: "Du sollst den Namen des Monarchen, deinen Herrn, nicht unnützlich führen."

You'll Never Walk Alone

September is the month of walking up the hill and orienteering is a great opportunity to find some co-walkers. Especially if You chose the appropriate races with enough elevation like His Majesty did in last two weeks:

 

The eleven days of elevation were crowned by the training competiton at Whirl of Visas which was accompained my Czech championship on classic distance. The event was held by Albania SUmperk and it speaks for itself. But now it is time to stop crying and get prepared for the main part of the season: Prague & Carp.

Map Torso

Mácha Is Lucky

Too many Œvents in the middle of the September that even His Majesty can't manage to keep up writing about it. So here is another reportage.
 

Just after the rancid competition at Zombie Ravine has ended there was waiting another challenging race ahead: The Days of Orientation in (Metropolitan) Nature. The event was held at Pethreen by „The Prof“ who prepared three cunning circuits: free order, memory and classic (puzzled) distnace. It was very nice afternoon for every lover of contour lines. But You know: love is love.

Map from sprint distance

You do not need to look for the results as His Majesty claimed his spot in the bottom levels of result lists as usual. But I can assign myself some honour as I maybe have beaten some of the students who tried orienteering for their first time.

2013 Zombie Ravine - Middle Distnace

The Sunday middle distance is over so here is a small article about my performance at the Zombie Ravine.

The Race

My race started in nice atmosphere as all the categories from H21A to H21E in my minute were occupied by Prague bitches...

Vomit Gall at Gall

My time: HH:BG
My place: not last but not least
Weather: sunny, hot
Last refreshment point: after one quarter of the track

Map of the class H21B with my routechoice

Report will come later after the Sunday race.

Captain Contour Strikes Back

This is how the profile of my race should look like if I had finished it:

And here is the reality:

The competition was organised by the Hispanic club of Los Melnikos in the forest of Los Sarcamento. The name of the map "General Sakra" refers to the disillusion when Your find out that white means green and green means Sarcamento State green. So after two-months Summer break I chose a tactic called "start-4th control-finish" which was almost the best one... Alas the fourth control was on the other edge of the race area. To the best of My belief I can say it was one of the worst Autumn PPŽ that I have ever run. If You are curious about the results than visit the website of the race.

Caution: Prague Bitches Warn You!

Would You like to know more? ...

The Rocky Horror Majesty Show

I know it is very sad but the (tabloid) media here in the Czech Republic are only interested in death. Fortunately there is an independent reporter Veličenstvo.com who informs You about the greatest achievements and the most breathtaking performances in the world of rock climbing. So here is the story of His Majesty.cz who climbed up the rocks of Bald Peak. Caution: You will not miss blood!

HM.cz climbed like the Superman (I mean the one who can't flight) with the right hand raised forward. It was really astonishing until...

...the Accident. A fatal error which resulted in a heavy wound of the Royal knee.

Although the Royal training load is equal to zero His Majesty still found some time to cheer up the team spirit.

Ví to táta, máma i tchýně -
nejhorší jsou ty sparťanský svině.